My absence from the working world feels like an eternity ago, and yet so far it has passed as quickly as the blink of an eye.
Although there is still no sign of a return, however, another ray of hope is shimmering through the dark clouds in the sky.
A psychological therapy place becomes available. Thank God, much earlier than announced.
I expect a lot from the sessions, but I don't realize what a thick blanket hangs over me. How could I, I am completely numb.
Every time I have the impression that something is moving forward, it goes back two steps.
And yet I am no longer at the same point as I was a few weeks ago.
After a certain numbers of sick days the employer has the right to reduce wages. This also adds another worry to the whole misery. And that is the worry about money. The uncertainty sticks to my arms. Once again, I feel completely lost in my sorrows.
How is everything supposed to go on?
Will the money be enough?
Will I be able to keep my job?
How long will this drag on?
And while I'm fixated on the storm around me, I remember that I've been at a similar point before.
I had lost basically everything material, no financial security, only people who stood by me. That was a time when my trust and faith were harshly tested.
Now, years later, my trust and faith is being put to the test again. This time, however, on a higher level.
You can imagine this as in a video game. Once you have successfully passed this level, the next higher one comes to master.
In the virtual world, as in the real world, each level is more challenging than the one before. It is more difficult and you have to draw on the skills learned in the previous level to pass the current one.
In all my doubts and worries, a loving voice comes forward:
- Do you really think, I allowed this situation to happen without taking care of you safely? You are in this season for a reason.
- Yes, I admit.
- Have you ever had to starve?
- Uhm, no.
- Well, you see.
- Yes, Jahweh Jireh. You are the god who provides.
Only a few weeks after the diagnosis of Burn Out, a step-by-step return to work is taken. I am to start with a low workload of 20%.
I feel completely overburden to deal with this though already. Still, I give into it and notice how the storm continues to rage around me.
I want to move forward and leave this exhausting part behind me.
So I gather all my strength and face this challenge. Step by step I fight my way forward.
The insecurity creeps along in various areas.
At this level, it's obviously my adversary that I don't yet know how to conquer.
But I'm not giving up! I know for sure: „... that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His prupose.“
Romans 8, 28 - NKJV
Even though I am still completely in the dark now and really don't know yet what is good about my situation, I hold on to this promise. He never forsakes me!